S.P.A.R.K. (Secular Parents And Religious Kids )

True colors?

2011-12-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

When my nephew dyed his hair blue a few years ago, I couldn't understand how his parents let him do that.
But times have changed.
"Are your parents okay with the colors of your hair, I asked the orange, yellow and turquoise-haired cashier at the locak dry cleaner. She seemed to be about sixteen,
"As long as I stay on the honor roll, clean my room and have a good job, they don't care what I do with my hair," she smiled.

Root Canal or Not, What are Friends For?

2011-10-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

I thought my dentist was a friend. After all, my husband and I had often vacationed with them. When they suffered a severe loss in their family, we were there for them every day. Their older son even asked me to buy some toilet paper so they wouldn't have to bother.

During my last tooth cleaning, I told my dentist about some sensitivity in one tooth. He checked but found nothing wrong. When the sensitivity grew worse, I went back and was told that there was servere decay in that tooth and that I "might" need a root canal. Before being permitted to schedule a follow-up visit, I was told to sign a paper either agreeing to the root canal or refusing it. I didn't like being forced to make that decision so I took the paper with me and went for a second and third opinion. As it turned out, I did not need the root canal, just a new crown after the decay had been removed. My dentist performed the procedure as if it had been his idea in the first place.
Unfortunately, the temporary crown fell out so I called my dentist who suggested I use denture paste to keep the temporary in place until his office opens again in 3 days. He warned me that this paste may sting and said I should remove the temporary crown every night.
If he were just a dentist and not a "friend," I would have accepted this. Then he said that most patients don't want to "inconvenience" him for something so minor unless I told him it is an emergency. I always thought that friends are people you put yourself out for, even when it's inconvenient. I said it's a discomfort, not an emergency and of course I didn't want to "inconvenience" him. (His office is only a few miles away from his home.)

Do you think I need a new dentist?

Write or Wrong?

2011-10-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

I decided to give up writing this blog many months ago because I didn't think anyone was reading it. But when my younger daught-in-law asked me about something I had written, I realized that I had at least one reader. And then I sat back and realized how many blogs I read without writing a response.

Also, what's wrong with writing for ourselves, even if no one else reads it?

Too Busy for That

2011-10-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

"What does your son do in Israel?" an acquaintance asked me a few days ago.
"He's a Talmudic scholar," I told her.
"You mean he sits at his kitchen table with a lot of books and reads all day to himself?"
"He studies at a kollel, a yeshiva for married guys. He and his study partner learn together and debate any issue that comes up."
"Isn't he a little old to be spending all that time doing that? When's he going to share all that wisdom he's supposedly gathering?
"I'm really proud of him. Judaism wouldn't be the vibrant religion it is today if it weren't for people like him."
Crossing her arms tightly across her chest, she said, "I think he's just selfish."
"Are your sons religious?" I asked, trying not to let her get to me.
"My sons are not the least bit religious." She sounded proud. "They're too busy for that."

HOW MOVING

2011-03-15T05:21:00.000-07:00

My older son and his family are looking to move to a different apartment so that they'll have more room. Their present apartment has 4 bedrooms. Whenever we visit them we stay in the 4th bedroom which is the playroom. We don't mind. But the kids do need a place to play. What really impresses me is that my son and daughter-in-law are so concerned about our comfort that before they seriously consider a new apartment, they describe it to us to make sure we'd be comfortable there. My husband and I keep telling them that whatever works for them we are certain will work for us. After all, they live in Israel so we only visit them 4 times a year.

WHERE IS SHE GOING?

2011-02-23T18:08:00.000-08:00

I just received an email from a friend I haven't seen since junior high school. I always thought she was Jewish. Maybe I was wrong. She wrote that she attended synagogue with her father when she was a kid. She later did transcendental meditation and started reading eastern philosophy. Next she became a "secular humanist" and then later was baptised into the Episcopal Church. She went on to earn two graduate degrees from Yale Divinity School and soon became a Buddhist. She now follows Chrisitan Mysticism.
I can't help wondering where she is going with all this. What is she looking for? And will she know it when she finds it?

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

2011-02-14T16:11:00.000-08:00

When our sons were in elementary school, I used to buy them each a box of valentine cards to share with the others in their class. Their teachers brought in valentine treats for the class parties. I used to buy candy hearts for my family. My husband used to buy a dozen red roses for me and sometimes even a box of Gadiva chocolates. He and I would exchange corny greeting cards and would go out for a special valentine meal sometime during the weekend. Then my husband started to notice that the prices of all the valentine stuff were drastically reduced the day after the holiday, so he started waiting until the day after to buy them.
This year we didn't exchange corny cards and didn't go out for a special valentine meal because it finally dawned on me that we don't need a special day to share our love. In addition, it finally sank in that st. valentine was not Jewish at all.

SOUP ANYONE?

2011-02-07T17:52:00.000-08:00

No matter what I say, some of my friends still don't understand why I maintain the same level of kashruth in my home even when my sons won't be home for a while. I hope this short story helps.
I love soup. And I love making soup. Quite often I make too much soup. My husband rarely likes what I make. So I freeze it. And bring it with us to our younger son's house in New York on our next visit. I love being able to share with my family in ways I couldn't if my house wasn't kosher.

IS THIS A TYPICAL AMERICAN FAMILY?

2011-02-07T17:35:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are Conservative Jews. Both of our sons are Orthodox, but they don't always agree. So I try to stay out of their "discussions" whenever possible. When necessary, I do step in and try to get them to realize that they're both entitled to their own beliefs. I sometimes find myself in a precarious position trying to maintain shalom bayit (peace in the family). But my sitiuation seems relatively easy to handle when compared with a family that I just heard about. The mother is Conservative but goes to an Orthodox shul. The father is Reform. One adult child is an athiest. The other married a Catholic.

WOULD YOU SHOP ON SHABBOS?

2011-02-07T17:22:00.000-08:00

Before we visit the grandkids in Israel, I like to stock up on gifts for them. My older son doesn't mind that we "spoil" the kids. But he asked me not to shop for them on Shabbos. This does put a cramp in my shopping style. I used to love shopping on Saturday because that's the day most stores have their big sales.
It's not as if the gifts we bring are overly costly. Even if they were, I'd still follow through on my son's request. Why bother when I know he'll never ask me what day I shopped? Because my own concience would bother me. I want my sons to know they can trust me.

WHY NOT TAKE OUT?

2011-01-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

My husband was out of town recently so I took myself out for a quick diner at Friendly's. While I was there, my younger son called.
"Where are you?" he asked. "There's a lot of noise in the background."
"Friendly's," I said. "Haven't been here for years."
"Dad's with you?'
"No. He's out of town."
"So why not do take out like the rest of the world."
"There's no place kosher nearby."
"Oh. I forgot you closed off the screened-in porch," he said.
"Too cold to eat out there anyway. Besides," I said. "I'm not comfortable bringing home unkosher food anymore, even if to eat in the backyard."

CONVERSION TIME?

2011-01-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

A member of our synagogue recently told me that he converted to Judaism the year before his older son's Bar Mitzvah, which took place ten years ago. He'd been considering converting for years before he finally made the decision, but didn't like feeling as if he was forced into it.

"What made you feel forced?" I asked him.

He said, "The synagogue. They suddenly came up with all those rules that said a non-Jewish parent wasn't allowed to participate in certain activities."

"So why did you convert when you did?"

"I decided it was time."

WHY BOTHER WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND?

2011-01-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

People often ask why I follow the same rules in my kitchen no matter whether my sons and their families are with me or are not even coming to my home for a while. My answer is that I want my sons to know that they can trust me.

What's wrong with intermarriage?

2011-01-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

My neighbor told me that when her non-Jewish cousin married a Jewish man, the cousin's parents disowned her.
"When was this?" I asked, thinking that must have happened a long time ago.
"Last year," said my neighbor. "They just couldn't let her think that she did the right thing."

NO COMBAT

2011-01-10T01:03:00.000-08:00

The last time we were in Israel we had the opportunity to spend time with someone from our comunity who made aliyah and had recently joined the Israeli Defense Forces.
"How did you parents feel about your decisions?" I asked him.
"My mother wasn't happy at all," he said. "She made me promise not to work in the combat zone and to never become religious."
"Staying away from the combat zone makes sense," I said. "But what's wrong with you becoming religious?" "I don't know," he said, fingering the Jewish star hanging from a gold chain around his neck. You'll have to ask her."

WHY SO SHORT?

2011-01-05T04:22:00.000-08:00

Why do we keep our visits short? That's a question I'm often asked. Don't we like being with our grandchildren? Don't we want to spend as much time as possible with them? Of course we love them! But we have our own lives, too. We visit them often enough that it's easy to catch up where we left off.

HOW DO YOU COPE WITH HAVING YOUR KIDS SO FAR AWAY?

2011-01-05T04:14:00.000-08:00

When our older son and his family first moved to Isreal, my husband and I used to visit them three times a year. We stayed with them for the full two weeks of each visit. Over the years our trips have become more frequent but shorter in duration. We're now in the habit of visiting them at least four times a year, with each visit lasting less than one week. It's not that we don't enjoy being with them. We do! But now that our grandkids are getting older, they know how to speak on the phone. We hear from them at least once a week. We love hearing about the fun they had at a friend's birthday party or the new Shabbos shoes they bought. They can't wait to share their news and we love to hear it. Of course this isn't the same as being there with them, but it's almost as good. They call even when they don't have anything to say. We love knowing that we're part of their lives even though they live so far away.

AGNOSTIC ANYONE?

2011-01-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

Can someone be religious and agnostic at the same time? I didn't think so until today when I met a guy who told me he is a religious agnostic. He said he's read 4 different versions of the Bible, but none of them were able to explain to him why bad things happen to good people. What was I supposed to say? Please help me figure out the right words to use next time.

NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

2011-01-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

"We put all this time into raising our kids and hope that they'll grow up, get married and live around the corner from us," a friend said. "A few years ago my son decided to make aliyah. He's now in the Israeli army and loves his life. I want him to be happy, but I want him close by, not 12 hours away. Is there something wrong with me?"
"Not at all," I told her. "You're entitiled to your feelings. It's not easy having your kids make decisions that change their lives. That's something I'm still getting accustomed to myself."

FLEXIBILITY?

2011-01-01T05:18:00.001-08:00

I'm often asked how I would have reacted if my sons had left their Jewish roots instead of delving into them. My answer is that nothing could make me stop loving my sons.

It's not easy having Orthodox Jewish sons. It takes patience, respect, love, flexibility and a powerful desire to stay connected to them. The process doesn't involve any specific steps to follow. I'm still learning how to do this. Isn't that what parenting really is? There are so many books written about raising kids. Dr. Spock had his ideas. I have mine. Is there only one way to be a good parent? Doesn't it depend on the individual family?

GOT SOME CHANGE?

2010-12-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

   I recently met a Jewish mother who told me that whille her children are religiously observant, she definitely is not.
   "Neither am I," I told her. "But I've changed the way I do some things out of respect for my sons' beliefs."
   "They know better than to ask me to do things their way," she said. "If they don't accept me the way I am, who needs them? Their wives wear skirts, but I won't. My house isn't kosher, but they still visit. So why should I do anything different?"
   "Because you're the parent," I wanted to say. "Why not meet them half-way? It has to do with love and respect. Some day your kids might have enough of your way and might give up on you."

WHY SKIRT THE ISSUE?

2010-12-23T13:39:00.000-08:00

I've been wearing a pair of courderoy pants all day to stay warm. But my NY grandchildren will be here soon. So I'm on the way upstairs to the closet in my bedroom to pick out a skirt. My sons never asked me to wear skirts or dresses when I'm with them. It's really my choice. I do it out of respect for their beliefs.
Am I more comfortable in pants? Probably. Will a skirt and tights keep me warm. Ablsolutely.

FAST OR NOT

2010-12-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

The other day my husband was again on the phone with one of our grandchilden in Israel.
"Today is a fast day," said our granddaughter. "Did you fast today, Poppy?"
"No, I didn't." my husband said.
"That's okay. Old people don't have to fast."
My husband went on to change the subject. He didn't have the heart to explain that he and I only fast on Yom Kippur. This has nothing to do with our age, but everything to do with our level of religious observance.

TELE YES OR NO?

2010-12-15T10:13:00.000-08:00

While it's true that there are some absolutely awful things available on the television screen, there are also some offerings that are worthwhile. Neither of my sons own a TV which probably means that their children will never get to see Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers. Is that really a loss in their cultural education? I have to admit that watching TV is not my favorite thing to do unless I'm really tired or need a break. Would I be better off if I watched more TV? Would my grandkids be better off if they watched even a little bit of TV? I really don't think so. What's your opinion?

YOUR MENORAH OR MINE?

2010-12-15T10:04:00.001-08:00

When our sons were young, they each lit their own menorahs and my husband and I took turns lighting one for the 4 of us. We always used candles. What else was there? After our sons started becoming religiously observant, they insisted on using the menorahs they got from their yeshivas. These menorahs had little glass viles into which oil was to be poured. They enjoyed these menorahs to much more than the candles that my husband and I started using one also. But now that our sons are both married, we've gone back to the candles. To me they're just as beautiful and a lot less messy to clean. I don't think they're any less acceptble in the religiously observant world, but I could be wrong. Also, I never gave any thought as to the appropriateness of me lighting a menorah, whether as a child or as an adult. However, the other day when my husband was on the phone with our 6-yeaar-old granddaughter, the conversation went something like this:
"Did you light the menorah last night?" my husband asked.
"Of course not!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Girls don't light menorahs. Only boys do."
Is there something wrong with a girl lighting a menorah? Beats me.

PNAI

2010-12-15T10:03:00.000-08:00

I just learned about a group called Parents Of North American Israelis. I'm tempted to join this group. My older son lives in Israel but hasn't made aliyah. And I doubt that he ever will. Should I join this group anyway?

THANKSGIVING

2010-11-24T05:55:00.000-08:00

This year, like every year for the past 5 or so years, we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving with my younger daughter-in-law's family. Everyone brings something. My job is fruit salad for 25-30 and a quart of apple cider. With Thanksgiving falling on a Thursday, we follow it up by spending Shabbos with my younger son and his family.

My older son doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. For him, every day is a day of thanksgiving.

What do you do for Thanksgiving? Do your kids come home? Do you go to them? Do you go out to a restaurant?

Staying Connected

2010-11-24T05:45:00.000-08:00

What are parents supposed to do when our children make life-changing decisions? This blog is a place for sharing our experiences, the good and the bad.

My husband and I are Conservative Jews. This has nothing to do with our political leanings. It means we are middle-of the road Jews who observe certain religious traditions but not quite as many as the Orthodox do. Though we raised our sons in our Conservative Jewish home, they both decided to become Orthodox. At that point, I was faced with a choice of going out of my way to stay connected with our sons or letting them go their own way.

I had always kept a kosher kitchen but not quite kosher enough. Many of my friends told me I was wrong to bring my kitchen up to my sons' standards. They told me that my sons had to learn to accept me as I am. Others told me how impressed they are with what I continue to do to keep up the connection. Besides, as the saying goes, it's a two way street. My sons continue to make concessions too. It's not as though they did anything wrong. All they did was become more interested in our religion.

When my older son decided to start "dating to find a wife," I started keeping a journal. As result of that and a lot of writing and rewriting, editing, and soul-searching, I have completed a memoir The Chameleon in the Closet.

I'm not a pushover. I don't want to give the impression that my life is a breeze or that I understand everything my Orthodox sons do. If it weren't for my sons, I would know nothing about sheitals, mikvahs, or tznius. And my education hasn't stopped.

HI THERE

2010-11-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful time at the Detroit Jewish Book Fair and met a lot of people who are in the same situation as I am. My sons are Orthodox, you see. That's not the way we raised them to be. My husband and I are good Conservative Jews. We are founding members of our synagogue. We have a kosher home. We fast on Yom Kippur. Who knew that there are 613 commandments? All I knew about were the 10 big ones.