True colors?

When my nephew dyed his hair blue a few years ago, I couldn't understand how his parents let him do that.
But times have changed.
 "Are your parents okay with the colors of your hair, I asked the orange, yellow and turquoise-haired cashier at the locak dry cleaner.  She seemed to be about sixteen,
"As long as I stay on the honor roll, clean my room and have a good job, they don't care what I do with my hair," she smiled.

Root Canal or Not, What are Friends For?

          I thought my dentist was a friend.  After all, my husband and I had often vacationed with them.  When they suffered a severe loss in their family, we were there for them every day.  Their older son even asked me to buy some toilet paper so they wouldn't have to bother.

          During my last tooth cleaning, I told my dentist about some sensitivity in one tooth.  He checked but found nothing wrong.  When the sensitivity grew worse, I went back and was told that there was servere decay in that tooth and that I "might" need a root canal. Before being permitted to schedule a follow-up visit,  I was told to sign a paper either agreeing to the root canal or refusing it.  I didn't like being forced to make that decision so I took the paper with me and went for a second and third opinion.        As it turned out, I did not need the root canal,  just a new crown after the decay had been removed.  My dentist performed the procedure as if it had been his idea in the first place.
       Unfortunately, the temporary crown fell out so I called my dentist who suggested I use denture paste to keep the temporary in place until his office opens again in 3 days.  He warned me that this paste may sting  and said I should remove the temporary crown every night.  
       If he were just a dentist and not a "friend," I would have accepted this.  Then he said that most patients don't want to "inconvenience" him for something so minor unless I told him it is an emergency. I always thought that friends are people you put yourself out for, even when it's inconvenient.  I said it's a discomfort, not an emergency and of course I didn't want to "inconvenience" him.   (His office is only a few miles away from his home.)

Do you think I need a new dentist?  

Write or Wrong?

I decided to give up writing this blog many months ago because I didn't think anyone was reading it.  But when my younger daught-in-law asked me about something I had written, I realized that I had at least one reader.  And then I sat back and realized how many blogs I read without writing a response.  

Also, what's wrong with writing for ourselves, even if no one else reads it?  

Too Busy for That

"What does your son do in Israel?" an acquaintance asked me a few days ago.
"He's a Talmudic scholar," I told her.
"You mean he sits at his kitchen table with a lot of books and reads all day to himself?"
"He studies at a kollel, a yeshiva for married guys.  He and his study partner learn together and debate any issue that comes up."
"Isn't he a little old to be spending all that time doing that? When's he going to share all that wisdom he's supposedly gathering?
"I'm really proud of him.  Judaism wouldn't be the vibrant religion it is today if it weren't for people like him."
Crossing her arms tightly across her chest, she said, "I think he's just selfish."
"Are your sons religious?" I asked, trying not to let her get to me.
"My sons are not the least bit religious."  She sounded proud.  "They're too busy for that."

HOW MOVING

My older son and his family are looking to move to a different apartment so that they'll have more room.  Their present apartment has 4 bedrooms.  Whenever we visit them we stay in the 4th bedroom which is the playroom.  We don't mind.  But the kids do need a place to play.  What really impresses me is that my son and daughter-in-law are so concerned about our comfort that before they seriously consider a new apartment, they describe it to us to make sure we'd be comfortable there.  My husband and I keep telling them that whatever works for them we are certain will work for us.  After all, they live in Israel so we only visit them 4 times a year.

WHERE IS SHE GOING?

I just received an email from a friend I haven't seen since junior high school.  I always thought she was Jewish.  Maybe I was wrong.  She wrote that she attended synagogue with her father when she was a kid.  She later did transcendental meditation and started reading eastern philosophy.  Next she became a "secular humanist" and then later was baptised into the Episcopal Church.  She went on to earn two graduate degrees from Yale Divinity School and soon became a Buddhist.  She now follows Chrisitan Mysticism.
I can't help wondering where she is going with all this.   What is she looking for?  And will she know it when she finds it?

WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?

When our sons were in elementary school, I used to buy them each a box of valentine cards to share with the others in their class.   Their teachers brought in valentine treats for the class parties.  I used to buy candy hearts for my family.  My husband used to buy a dozen red roses for me and sometimes even a box of Gadiva chocolates.  He and I would exchange corny greeting cards and would go out for a special valentine meal sometime during the weekend.  Then my husband started to notice that the prices of all the valentine stuff were drastically reduced the day after the holiday, so he started waiting until the day after to buy them.
This year we didn't exchange corny cards and didn't go out for a special valentine meal because it finally dawned on me that we don't need a special day to share our love.  In addition, it finally sank in that st. valentine was not Jewish at all.

SOUP ANYONE?

No matter what I say, some of my friends still don't understand why I maintain the same level of kashruth in my home even when my sons won't be home for a while.  I hope this short story helps.
I love soup.  And I love making soup.  Quite often I make too much soup.  My husband rarely likes what I make.  So I freeze it.  And bring it with us to our younger son's house in New York on our next visit.  I love being able to share with my family in ways I couldn't if my house wasn't kosher.  

IS THIS A TYPICAL AMERICAN FAMILY?

My husband and I are Conservative Jews.  Both of our sons are Orthodox, but they don't always agree.  So I try to stay out of their "discussions" whenever possible.  When necessary, I do step in and try to get them to realize that they're both entitled to their own beliefs.   I sometimes find myself in a precarious position trying to maintain shalom bayit (peace in the family).  But my sitiuation seems relatively easy to handle when compared with a family that I just heard about.  The mother is Conservative but goes to an Orthodox shul.  The father is Reform.  One adult child is an athiest.  The other married a Catholic.

WOULD YOU SHOP ON SHABBOS?

  Before we visit the grandkids in Israel, I like to stock up on gifts for them.   My older son doesn't mind that we "spoil" the kids.  But he asked me not to shop for them on Shabbos.  This does put a cramp in my shopping style.  I used to love shopping on Saturday because that's the day most stores have their big sales.
 It's not as if the gifts we bring are overly costly.  Even if they were, I'd still follow through on my son's request.  Why bother when I know he'll never ask me what day I shopped?  Because my own concience would bother me.  I want my sons to know they can trust me.

WHY NOT TAKE OUT?

My husband was out of town recently so I took myself out for a quick diner at Friendly's.  While I was there, my younger son called.
"Where are you?" he asked.  "There's a lot of noise in the background."
"Friendly's," I said. "Haven't been here for years."
"Dad's with you?'
"No. He's out of town."
"So why not do take out like the rest of the world."
"There's no place kosher nearby."
"Oh.  I forgot you closed off the screened-in porch," he said.
"Too cold to eat out there anyway.  Besides," I said.  "I'm not comfortable bringing home unkosher food anymore, even if to eat in the backyard."

CONVERSION TIME?

A member of our synagogue recently told me that he converted to Judaism the year before his older son's Bar Mitzvah, which took place ten years ago.  He'd been considering converting for years before he finally made the decision, but didn't like feeling as if he was forced into it.

"What made you feel forced?" I asked him.

He said, "The synagogue.  They suddenly came up with all those rules that said a non-Jewish parent wasn't allowed to participate in certain activities."

"So why did you convert when you did?"

"I decided it was time."

WHY BOTHER WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND?

People often ask why I follow the same rules in my kitchen no matter whether my sons and their families are with me or are not even coming to my home for a while.  My answer is that I want my sons to know that they can trust me.  

What's wrong with intermarriage?

My neighbor told me that when her non-Jewish cousin married a Jewish man, the cousin's parents disowned her.
"When was this?" I asked, thinking that must have happened a long time ago.
"Last year," said my neighbor.  "They just couldn't let her think that she did the right thing."

NO COMBAT

The last time we were in Israel we had the opportunity to spend time with someone from our comunity who made aliyah and had recently joined the Israeli Defense Forces.
 "How did you parents feel about your decisions?" I asked him.
 "My mother wasn't happy at all," he said.  "She made me promise not to work in the combat zone and to never become religious." 
"Staying away from the combat zone makes sense," I said.  "But what's wrong with you becoming religious?"  "I don't know," he said, fingering the Jewish star hanging from a gold chain around his neck. You'll have to ask her."

WHY SO SHORT?

Why do we keep our visits short? That's a question I'm often asked.  Don't we like being with our grandchildren?  Don't we want to spend as much time as possible with them?  Of course we love them!  But we have our own lives, too.   We visit them often enough that it's easy to catch up where we left off.

HOW DO YOU COPE WITH HAVING YOUR KIDS SO FAR AWAY?

When our older son and his family first moved to Isreal, my husband and I used to visit them three times a year.  We stayed with them for the full two weeks of each visit.  Over the years our trips have become more frequent but shorter in duration.  We're now in the habit of visiting them at least four times a year, with each visit lasting less than one week.   It's not that we don't enjoy being with them.  We do!  But now that our grandkids are getting older, they know how to speak on the phone.  We hear from them at least once a week.  We love hearing about the fun they had at a friend's birthday party or the new Shabbos shoes they bought.  They can't wait to share their news and we love to hear it.  Of course this isn't the same as being there with them, but it's almost as good.  They call even when they don't have anything to say.  We love knowing that we're part of their lives even though they live so far away.

AGNOSTIC ANYONE?

Can someone be religious and agnostic at the same time?  I didn't think so until today when I met a guy who told me he is a religious agnostic.  He said he's read 4 different versions of the Bible, but none of them were able to explain to him why bad things happen to good people.  What was I supposed to say?  Please help me figure out the right words to use next time.

NOT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

"We put all this time into raising our kids and hope that they'll grow up, get married and live around the corner from us," a friend said.  "A few years ago my son decided to make aliyah.  He's now in the Israeli army and loves his life.  I want him to be happy, but I want him close by, not 12 hours away.  Is there something wrong with me?"
"Not at all," I told her.  "You're entitiled to your feelings.  It's not easy having your kids make decisions that change their lives.  That's something I'm still getting accustomed to myself."

FLEXIBILITY?

I'm often asked how I would have reacted if my sons had left their Jewish roots instead of delving into them.  My answer is that nothing could make me stop loving my sons. 

It's not easy having Orthodox Jewish sons.  It takes patience, respect, love, flexibility and a powerful desire to stay connected to them.  The process doesn't involve any specific steps to follow.  I'm still learning how to do this.  Isn't that what parenting really is?  There are so many books written about raising kids.  Dr. Spock had his ideas.  I have mine.  Is there only one way to be a good parent?  Doesn't it depend on the individual family?